I would argue that just about everyone has heard about or read the insightful book by marriage counselor and speaker, Gary Chapman, “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts.” The idea behind the “love language” concept is that if we know our primary love's “personality,” we could create a stronger bond in our relationship with others.
Chapman argues that a successful marriage happens when we speak the same love language as our partner. How does one know their love language? If you have access to a computer, head on over to www.5lovelanguages.com and take the five-minute or so multiple-choice quiz …hit send and … bingo, you got your love language! It's never too late to start loving better!
Any chance that you care what my love languages are? I didn’t think so, but I am going to share anyway, since this is my column. My primary love language is “words of affirmation (37%),” which suggests that unsolicited compliments mean the world to me. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important and hearing the reasons behind that love will make me feel exceptionally good. However, to the contrary, insults will leave me shattered and are not easily forgotten. My other love languages rank as follows: acts of service (23%), quality time (17%), physical touch (13%) and receiving gifts (10%).
Arguably, more important than knowing our love languages, is knowing what are our “hate languages.” While there are no books on such a topic or anyone touring the country speaking about the hate languages, there is a well-respected Christian psychologist, Dominic Herbst, who put together a 30-minute YouTube video titled, “What is Your Hate Language?” Herbst's conviction and enthusiasm, not only on this subject matter but with all of his teaching, make it a joy to listen to his complimentary teaching moments. Dominic suggests there are primarily eight hate languages that one might levy on another when that person hurts us intently or unintentionally. Here they are in no particular order.
Unlike the 5 Love Languages, there is no quiz or book to help us determine our hate language. Instead, we must get inside our heart and call it for what it is. Since I am all about being real, transparent and authentic, which makes me vulnerable, I will nonetheless crack open my chest again and show you what is/was going on inside of me. As reluctant as I am to admit, my No. 1 hate language is the accuser (50%), then the condemner (25%) followed by the yeller (20%) and finally the profaner (5%). Fortunately, the abuser, curser, demon starer and blasphemer were never part of my arsenal.
Most of us believe that when we employ one of the hate languages, our behavior, which might appear like an out-of-control explosion, is a justified response to being hurt or misunderstood. What I find ironic is that we may feel good in the moment when trying to prove our point by utilizing one of the love personalities, but deep inside our heart, we know how wrong and inappropriate our behavior is. For example, I have been told too many times that when I “argue” I am often right on the issue in question, but it is how I was right (my behavior) that made me so wrong! Moreover, I steadfastly put forth that we all know that we will feel much better and be happier if we apply kindness instead of a hate language. I could not agree more, perhaps like you, with the following quote from the insightful book, “A Year of Living Kindly: Choices That Will Change Your Life and the World Around You” by Donna Cameron, “When I experience kindness, I am happy. It really is as simple as that. If I extend a kindness, it makes me happy. If I am on the receiving end of kindness, it makes me happy. And if I witness kindness, or even read about it, it makes me happy.” So the next time that we are in a position to want to prove our point in a way that might engage one of the hate languages, I suggest that we all remember this anonymous quote, “If you have to choose between being kind and being right, choose being kind and you will always be right.” Nuff said!
Harry Pappas Jr. CFP®
Managing Director-Investments
Master of Science Degree Personal Financial Planning
Certified Estate & Trust Specialist ™
Certified Divorce Financial Analyst™
Pappas Wealth Management Group of Wells Fargo Advisors
818 North Highway A1A, Ste. 200
Ponte Vedra, Florida 32082
904-273-7955
harry.pappas@wellsfargoadvisors.com
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