The holidays after a separation or divorce can be bittersweet. Traditions shift, routines change and emotions often run high. When children are involved, it can become particularly stressful. Now is the time to plan and communicate before the holiday rush so your children can enjoy the season, and you can, too.
It all starts with communication. Don’t ever assume you have the kids on a certain holiday. Share your calendars early and keep them in writing, whether that’s via text or email. Confirm who’s handling drop-offs, pick-ups and big events.
It’s important to start having these conversations now. Treat the holiday schedule like any other important deadline. If one parent lives far away, book travel weeks in advance. It may be helpful to get on a group call with your child as well so you can all speak in real-time while booking. Remember to keep your kids in the loop the entire time. Use calendars, countdowns or charts for younger kids.
Co-parenting is about compromise. And the holidays require a lot of it. You should expect that you won’t have your children for every minute of every day. If your ex’s parents are visiting from out of town, it’s courteous to swap days so your children can spend time with them. Next year, they can do the same for you.
The holidays are not a competition. There is no winner or loser, especially when it comes to gifts. Avoid trying to one-up each other. Instead, try to coordinate. If your child wants a bike, split the cost or decide who’s giving it, so he or she doesn’t end up with two. Outspending the other parent may seem like an easy way to trick your child into wanting to spend Christmas morning with you, but in the end, it’s contributing to a hostile back-and-forth.
When tensions rise, ask yourself what’s best for the kids before making a decision. That said, keep your kids first this holiday season. Don’t let your frustrations stand in the way of them having a joyful experience with your ex. Even a Facetime to wish them “Happy Hanukkah” or “Merry Christmas” is a small gesture that keeps them included even when they aren’t there.
Aside from planning and coordination, it’s important to mentally prepare yourself and set expectations. Co-parenting often means the holidays look different every year. You may have had your children for Thanksgiving last year, but this year you find yourself alone. Embrace the change and openly welcome new traditions. If you are spending the holiday as a guest in someone else’s home this year, it does not diminish your role or value as a parent.
And if you are particularly sad about missing a major day like Thanksgiving or Christmas morning, plan an alternate celebration. Holidays don’t have to happen on the exact date. This could mean a special Christmas party the weekend before or creating a fun Thanksgiving leftover dinner the day after. This is your chance to get creative and make a unique memory for your children. And it goes to say, kids often enjoy having two celebrations.
Last but not least – you! It’s easy to say, “be positive,” but perhaps not easy to practice it. Reframe your mindset and focus on what you can look forward to. Instead of saying, “I can’t believe you’re not here on Thanksgiving,” reframe: “I can’t wait to celebrate with you this weekend.”
Don’t isolate yourself when kids are with your co-parent. Take this time to do things you may have missed out on years before you were married. Travel to see extended family or volunteer at a community event. You’d be surprised what a different perspective this time can give you.
If things get rocky this year, seek professional help. The LJD Jewish Family & Community Services has several avenues co-parents can take if they aren’t working well together. Whatever you do, don’t drag kids into disputes.
At the end of the day, kids don’t need perfection, they need presence. By staying flexible and child-focused, parents can ensure their children remember the holidays with warmth.
